See now im so smart.. and think i know everything... because yeh im puke.. and that's somehow going to make anyone ever care.. yeh, any way
im so smart and thought my ex-fiance was stupid.. so i left a trail of porn on her computer (yeh because like she would ever be like smart and stuff and check the cookies) and treated her like shit (hit her, screamed abuse at her even when i was just feeling like shit about myself and wanted to bring her down to) because yeh everything was her fault i had no problems, i mean yeh i have no problems im not 29 and going absolutely nowhere while i watch everyone around me get a clue and actually get on with there lives.. im not still stuck trying to hold on to when i was 17.. i dont still wet the bed and shit my pants..
and yeh then i gave her my passwords..
Lord Pukor is fishing for houses at the mo-munt...
So if any of you kids have any friends looking for a semi-psychotic, semi-reliable, good with rent kinda flatmate, let us know..
Other than that, it's been work work work lately, which is good as it helps me keep occupied and happy... Wouldn't mind going out sometime, but Blink is starting to bore me a tad, and where is it other than Goff clubs that play the same music they played when I was drinking underaged that I can meet people over the age of 12?
Anyway just a little down right at the mo-munt, but lately I've been oddly content. Only having to think about my own wants and needs (rather than ignoring them as best I can) makes a big difference in ones life. On top of that, the fact that I'm not burying my head in the sand, rather pushing on with my life makes for a historic shift in my attitude towards everything. I'm no longer sabotaging myself, destroying myself, losing myself. I'm setting goals, achieving them, taking setbacks in my stride... All in all, I think the correct term is that I've finally "grown up". Not that this means I'm not as immature as a bagful of puppies on LSD, it's just that I seem not only to want control over my life, but sincerely enjoy having it.
Anyhoo, got stuff to do (feels wierd saying that...), catchyaz!
On friday I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried, even get beat up at Blink, let alone start a fight (and I tried REAL hard, including threatening people with an ass-whupping from a man in pigtails wearing fairy-wings).
And today, beginning at 4am (They have a four in the MORNING now?) I smashed nine colours of shit out of the ARIAS. Some of it with a forklift (YAY!) and some with a MUNTENATOR AKA SLEDGEHAMMER (YAYWOOHAH!).
And still no-one tries to stop me.
Fuck I'm great.
Meanwhile Cin made me noodles, listened to my sleep-deprived ramblings, had a cold beer waiting for me (this afternoon) and nursed my hangover real good (saturday). We also did the parent announcy-fiancee-thingus-with-the-ringus for her folks (mine mysteriously absent from this cavalcade of meat, beer and puppydogs). It was scary but all was wonderful!
Oh, and she studied, got sick, searched the interwebs for housie-flats for us, and made many cute faces.
And still no-one tries to stop us.
Fuck we're great.
Here endeth the lesson (read: I wanna drink my beer and watch some of a movie before I pass out.)
Peace out. Bitches.
Well, contrary to prior advertisemunt to many via text, I am not (yet) in psych ward (again).
But I have no idea when/if I may need to go back for a while.
Trust me when I say "I DON'T WANNA GO!!!"
In the meantime, I'm avoiding work, social responsibilities etc, but I'm still doing my forklift course. I figgure one thing at a time is about the most I can handle...
When you go through what i am still going through for your significant other, you expect a certain amount of respect...
but you don't neccissarily get it...
i guess i never thought you would leave, i never thought you would do this this time around, i thought you loved me more than that, i dont know what i did, i did everything you asked, i left you alone with your friends when i thought you wanted time. now your gone and i dont know what to do. i waited when you said you would come back, but you never returned. instead you left with the one person who i never had a reason to have a reason to hate. you wonder why? just look at what you are doing now. you wonder why i fear. you wonder why i am so scared. this is the reason. you want me to trust you want me to believe. after looking at how you have disappeared. what reason do i have...? im at a loss. i dont know why. i try and i try. but i guess sometimes that just isn't enough for you. what do you want from me. i really am trying.i guess ill see you when you have calmed down and sobered up. but i already know somehow this will be all my fault. it would be nice if sometimes you thought for yourself. you say your so strong then do so. be strong. dont be weak dont let fuck wits think for you and control what you think. this isnt you, this is everyone else thinking for you and making up your mind for you. please look in your self and find the real you not the one thats so easily influenced. please. im begging you. just think.... please.....
Lots of work.
Lots of steel.
More of both soon enough.
Praying I see more trucks and roadcases.
Praying I see more Cin.
Praying all my mates join up so I can see 'em...
Praying I get a night off that I'm not too dead to enjoy.
That is all